Dear Hallie...

You were just two years old when we decided to have another baby and more than anything I hoped for a little sister for you. A sister to share clothes with, to share a room with, to share experiences with. But instead, 9 months later, we brought home a brother and the relationship that you share with him is fun and explosive and inventive - he looks up to you more than you know and I'm so grateful he has a caring sister to help him.

You were just five years old when we came home from the ultrasound of our third child. You were at a friends house and when we shared the news that you would have another brother, you sobbed. Uncontrollably. "But I already have a brother, I don't need another one" came out of your mouth. And I felt sad for you and even for me as well. But I did my best to convince you of all the perks of being a sister to two little brothers. Although I know deep down inside you were still hurt, you got over it pretty quickly, and by the time Mr. B rolled around, you couldn't care less if he was a boy or a girl, you just loved the fact that there was a new baby in the house.

You were seven years old when we decided to have number four. I yearned for the little sister that you wished for so badly but of course it was completely out of my control. We started prepping you as soon as we told you about the baby that it would probably be a boy. Every time the baby was brought up, we casually mentioned it would probably be a boy. You were always quick to agree with us, but then reminded us that it could be a girl. Just a few weeks before we found out what the gender would be, I was in your room with you cleaning out your closets of clothes too small. You tried on countless shirts/dresses/shorts/pants and I would determine which pile they belonged in. Clothes to throw away. Clothes to hand down to family. Clothes to store in the attic for another child. The pile to store in the attic was rather large and they were some of my very favorite pieces that you wore. And as I looked at the pile, I determined that it was probably time to stop storing your clothes for another child. Tears came to my eyes with the realization that even if we did have another little girl - there would be so many years between them that the clothes would probably not be used anyway. You saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. I lied to you and told you it's so hard to see how much you've grown. But really the tears stemmed from the idea of you not having a little sister in your life. Silly, I know, but for some reason that afternoon in your room set forth some realities I had not let myself fully explore.

It wasn't long after that we found out baby #4 would also be a boy. I thought we had prepped you fairly well and we had done a pretty good job of convincing you it was a boy. When we went to pick you up from your cousins your were so excited to find out. We gave each of you a brown paper bag with a blue balloon inside and you opened them together.
I can't say that I paid attention to Hunter or Mr. B, because my eyes were locked on your face. You saw the blue balloon and your face went stone cold, but your were composed. Dad gave you a hug and the composure started to flee. When I asked if you were okay - you looked at me with the saddest face as you fought back tears. I walked you outside and before we even got to the door it was a full blown sob. My heart ached for you my sweet girl. I held you close and reminded you again the benefits of being the only girl. I know you wanted a little sister. You told me all the things you would do if you had a sister and I know you would've been the best to her. But the truth is, you have two brothers and a brother on the way who Heavenly Father sent specifically to be in our family and to be your little brothers. You may not be able to share clothes with them - or paint their finger nails - or do their hair in braids but you can teach them and play with them and read to them and they will adore you.

It doesn't matter if they are brothers or sisters - you will learn from them and share growing experiences with them either way. You'll just have to save the more girly things to do with your friends and cousins!

You are such a tender girl with the biggest heart, I'm so happy you're mine. I'm so excited to add this baby boy to the family - I just know you're going to love him to pieces.

I love you.